Change happens whether of our own volition and not. Moment to moment we change. Small invisible changes that only become noticeable over time. Mundane decisions that domino effect. Causality is one of the most complex and devastating of philosophical concepts. We may seek to sufficiently define cause and effect, but it doesn’t mean we’re really close to capturing and controlling it. And most of us loll between feeling we are free-thinking, free-wheeling, self-determining individuals, and that we’re at the mercy of things, sometimes tough, sometimes lucky, and that the entire thing is a fucked up cast of arbitrary characters.
I went blonde yesterday and it reminded me that even when the I feel caught up in all that flux, there can occasionally be a sharp sense of control over small things. And my appetite is whet for it. I walked back up the hill, shocked by my own reflection, which I sought out with some strange urgency. And I looked at my own querying face and my strange new hair mirrored back at me, trying to determine if I looked okay, good even, marvelling at how a few hours in a chair can result in transformation so superficial but so completely un-ignorable.
I wrote on Friday that I’ve become bored with myself lately. That’s partly true. The other side of the story is that I may have become a little paralyzed. Paralyzed because of broken hearts and failed attempts, because I’ve tried things and feel lately that I always fail. I’ve been scared of just adding to all of that, of throwing myself back into something that would be more of the same. And much as I love Beckett, right now I can’t get into the "fail better" approach. So I’ve gone turtle, protecting my damaged heart, my weak will, my feelings of failure.
It’s not that I think hair colour is a big deal. But there’s something about change; it’s hard to change one thing in isolation. It starts to cascade. My hair is different and everything looks different — my clothes and make-up, my complexion, my eye colour, even my eyebrows! So, going blonde isn’t a big deal, but it feels like a small step in throwing myself back into the game of change. And what better time for that than on the first of a new month and a new moon?
Products: Runwell watch from Shinola | Brett shirt from Equipment | Peggy bag from Mimi Berry | Current/Elliott jeans from Net-a-Porter | Les 4 Ombres eyeshadow from Chanel | Horse ring from Conroy & Wilcox | The Lip Slip from Sara Happ | Jodphur boot from Joinery