Sunday best: Change & the new moon

Change happens whether of our own volition and not. Moment to moment we change. Small invisible changes that only become noticeable over time. Mundane decisions that domino effect. Causality is one of the most complex and devastating of philosophical concepts. We may seek to sufficiently define cause and effect, but it doesn’t mean we’re really close to capturing and controlling it. And most of us loll between feeling we are free-thinking, free-wheeling, self-determining individuals, and that we’re at the mercy of things, sometimes tough, sometimes lucky, and that the entire thing is a fucked up cast of arbitrary characters.


I went blonde yesterday and it reminded me that even when the I feel caught up in all that flux, there can occasionally be a sharp sense of control over small things. And my appetite is whet for it. I walked back up the hill, shocked by my own reflection, which I sought out with some strange urgency. And I looked at my own querying face and my strange new hair mirrored back at me, trying to determine if I looked okay, good even, marvelling at how a few hours in a chair can result in transformation so superficial but so completely un-ignorable.

I wrote on Friday that I’ve become bored with myself lately. That’s partly true. The other side of the story is that I may have become a little paralyzed. Paralyzed because of broken hearts and failed attempts, because I’ve tried things and feel lately that I always fail. I’ve been scared of just adding to all of that, of throwing myself back into something that would be more of the same. And much as I love Beckett, right now I can’t get into the "fail better" approach. So I’ve gone turtle, protecting my damaged heart, my weak will, my feelings of failure.

It’s not that I think hair colour is a big deal. But there’s something about change; it’s hard to change one thing in isolation. It starts to cascade. My hair is different and everything looks different — my clothes and make-up, my complexion, my eye colour, even my eyebrows! So, going blonde isn’t a big deal, but it feels like a small step in throwing myself back into the game of change. And what better time for that than on the first of a new month and a new moon?


Happy Sunday!

Products: Runwell watch from Shinola | Brett shirt from Equipment | Peggy bag from Mimi Berry | Current/Elliott jeans from Net-a-Porter | Les 4 Ombres eyeshadow from Chanel | Horse ring from Conroy & Wilcox | The Lip Slip from Sara Happ | Jodphur boot from Joinery

17 comments:

  1. I know only too well how you feel, Jane. Failure and dissapointment while everyone else is as it seems living life on the fast lane.
    Above all change is tough.

    Tanja





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    1. Thanks, Tanja. I think the new season, new hair etc will make it all a little easier... sometimes some small shifts just make bigger change more graspable... (I hope at least)

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  2. I am older than you, enough to be subject to the "go grey…don't give into social expectations" discussions. Yet I glory in playing with color. I will end up with silver gray some day…no worries, yet I like having options. Hair color will grow out. Fashions will change. My body will change…..so have fun experimenting. I always think "do what I will least regret" and hair color is just temporary. Joan in Chicago

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    1. Yeah I agree. Hair is easy to change and change back. Sometimes it's just the changing...

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  3. Blonde! Awesome, way to go for it. A change like that is perfect for trying to shake things up- sometimes a seemingly unrelated change can do a lot for other aspects of your life, because sometimes we act differently when we know we look different, and when we act differently, things definitely change. I sort of hate that Beckett quote- fail better is really not helpful when you feel like it's failure after failure. But if it's something that you really want, you have to keep going for it. Trying new approaches, but still going for it.

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  4. Going blonde really does ring the changes, especially with that little shock every time you pass a mirror. I usually find that going really blonde has meant having to accentuate more with eye make up, not sure why. Hope you enjoy experimenting with the new look.

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  5. "...that we’re at the mercy of things, sometimes tough, sometimes lucky, and that the entire thing is a fucked up cast of arbitrary characters…" this is the piece that I honed in on. This is the part I feel is closest to the truth of it all. Things like taking the leap with your hair - its a kind of "up yours" to the gods. Which isn't to say that was your own intention. I think its more my own take on things at the moment! Now…more important…when can we see pictures of the new do!

    Doreen x

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    1. Haha! I was very shy the first few days, but I just posted a picture on Instagram :) http://instagram.com/p/lIL8Z8rLZJ/

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  6. Just saw the pic on instagram. Wow! What a transformation! That colour really suits you!!
    I wish you that this may lead to other positive changes as well.
    Tanja

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  7. The turtle emerges from her shell. Exciting! Enjoy.

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  8. Jane, I think we all go in crazy rounds and finally get slung out somehow and change once again happens. You know I love your blog but why have you started or maybe I just noticed using the word 'fuck"? It seems so down sided and so unlike you or at least my thinking of you.

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    1. Hi Ruth,

      As a journalist, I always write with "proper" words and would never swear.

      As a writer, I reach for the words that feel closest to how I'm feeling and what I want to express. I don't censor my language with ideas of primness. Sometimes thoughts and feelings are harsh things, or emphatic things, and swearing feels to me the right sort of expression.

      I don't think of it as "down sided" and don't intend to be offensive.

      Jane

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  9. Jane, Thanks for your reply. Primness is not where I am coming from even though that may seem the reason for my post. Have fun with your new DO!

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